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Still blue by `tmpst24myst:icontmpst24myst:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Sociopolitical > Open




Eight days until sun set


nothing in stillness of opaque
grows under a somber cloud

                           hovers endless,
fallowing unseen places
and mimics mimes
                   clapping rounds;

Haven't risen unfiltered
rays from royal skies;
                       Slender fingers silhouetting trees
waving to the wind
stirring scents of sweetened vines
                                  to toast commemoration,
swearing in(ebriated) fathers;
founding sons have yet to rise,
                               
                                mourning horizon.


d.m.c. 08/09/03
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:icontmpst24myst:

Author's Comments

I'm breaking my own rules for the use of this space to give you some tips about this particular poem.

This took me twenty four hours to write and alot of thought later, this is the fourth final version of this piece.

The point of the language in this, as there are many homophones, is to activate your mind. They also carry both meanings, even though only one spelling is present. Words that you may find spelled wrong, are not. I can assure that they are meant as so.
This is for you to use your imagination.

If you are familliar Canadian politics, you will understand this better than others who do not.

This refers to the founding of our country, how it came to be Canada. There are many meaning asside from that one alone, hence the dual images.

The title, which may or may not be revised, means:

I was let down.

The use of homophones was accidental, but was inspired by ~phil-light 's latest creativity game. If it wasn't for his contest, I wouldn't have noticed the pattern forming in my poem.

Thankyou Phil.

Note: Please view writing online for proper spacing effects.

Note: This work is not to be used without explicit permissions from myself, the author. Final decisions made by myself are final.

Daily Deviation

Given 2008-08-26

Still blue by `tmpst24myst is beautifully descriptive (Suggested by ~rubberbudgie and Featured by ^StJoan)

Critiques


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:iconshadowassassin:
~shadowassassin Sep 8, 2003, 8:39:59 PM
1. It appears that there are three spelling errors, unless they're homophones I'm unaware of: mimics, skies, and slender.
2. Slendor fingers silhouetting trees
waving to the wind
stirring scents of sweetened vines
to toast commemoration,

Feel like there should be a comma in here...probably after wind. It seems a little too disoriented and quick for me.

Besides those two technical, nitpicky things, I don't see much wrong with it. It's absolutely fabulous. One hell of a hook in the opening line and the rest of the poem doesn't disappoint.

Good work.

--
Suture Staff.
:icontmpst24myst:
`tmpst24myst Sep 8, 2003, 8:44:57 PM
Thankyou. They have been fixed. They were overlooked typo's...

--
June 22
:iconmibi:
~mibi Sep 8, 2003, 8:48:07 PM
i dont know much about canadian politics... but i dig this.. i too and an avid user of homophones... i just love me some homophones... notice my sig, but i didnt see a lot of them in this peice.. hmm.. i must be missing something

--
Shaped in dents, my sapience
And my Wisdom tooth,
Incisor.
:iconrapidograph:
`rapidograph Sep 8, 2003, 8:51:35 PM
... the images all have a great snap to them, countered with the rhythm of the linebreaks gives this a lilting, seductive quality almost like a falling leaf...

--
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
— Dr. Seuss
:icontmpst24myst:
`tmpst24myst Sep 8, 2003, 9:08:30 PM
That was one of the images I was aiming for.

Thankyou.

--
June 22
:iconwernstrum:
`wernstrum Sep 8, 2003, 9:32:48 PM
:clap:

excellent. very refreshing, allusive, seemingly describing three things and making the point that emotion at the end of the day, no matter what form it comes in can be a driving force for beauty.

--
Waste not want not
-- The Mask
:iconhemothymia:
~Hemothymia Sep 9, 2003, 12:03:18 AM
Very enjoyable read.
:iconpantopicon:
`pantopicon Sep 9, 2003, 1:35:22 AM
Ah, beautiful, and has the quality of an extended haiku, here, in the piece's emphasis on each line component. This is a very accomplished piece, takes the reader on,at least for myself, a kind of existential slideshow, we envision, from this distinct, and separated space, what you show--> even if the scenes are relational a distance is still enacted inasmuch as their is such an emphatic personal being distributed through the diction. Absolutely perfect. wow.

--
I always dream of a pen that would be a syringe.
:iconpantopicon:
`pantopicon Sep 9, 2003, 1:36:19 AM
sorry, for commenting again, but I keep re-reading it, and sensing in it this really unique re-utterance of the formal "lament". Damn, sooo good.

--
I always dream of a pen that would be a syringe.
:icon-anathema:
~-anathema Sep 9, 2003, 3:44:29 AM
beautiful languid flow and diction, nice structure too, the pauses bring a nice emphasis to certain images, not in a blunt way, as such breaking sometimes can, but kinda smooth and wistful, the subtle s sound prevalent here also adds to this:)

Nicely done :D

--
htiaf fo lasrever eht
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